Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart

It's Christmas.

24th December & 25th December.

These 2 dates meant a lot to me. It's not just Christmas Day but also the day when we spent our first night together. It is the day when I put a ring into her finger. Last Christmas that I gave her my heart.

Tonight everything is still the same, people gathering around to start counting down, families having Christmas dinner, sms wishing merry Christmas ... but there's one thing that is different for me and her. I'm not by her side and she's not by my side this year. But I believe our hearts are still intact together.

She called me tonight. Her voice made me misses her so much. I wish I could cuddle and hug her to sleep, kiss her in her eyes and say good night.
I hope Santa Clause would bring her into my dreams tonight. That is not too much to asked right? Just make me feel the love again.

I love you Soh Poh, forever & ever

Merry Christmas!

i am sure you're asleep by now .. :*

Can't Go On Without You

It's Saturday today. Another weekend.

I'm being tough. I tried my best to be tough.
I'm scared. I'm questioning myself on my ability to go through the year end holidays.

Can I survive that?

She doesn't hint anything. I guessed it's just me alone this Christmas.

I'm going to start on-leave this coming 24th, 25th, 26th, 27th, 28th. When I looked on these dates, I feels so sad and lonely. I'm going to go through all these days by myself.

If normal days, I still think I can go through it. But this time it's holiday season. It's not only her who is going to have holidays, Other "people" too.

I barely got through when she went KL last year during New year. But at least she's with me during Christmas.

"Sai some more lar .. "

That is her last sms today until now. I kept looking onto my phone. My mind kept wondering around guessing what is she doing right now. Image of her flashing through my mind every minute every second.
I actually wanted to go out today but changed my mind when I thought of what if I met her with someone on the shopping mall? I really couldn't stand that 'slap'.

My heart is going to collapse straight.

I Misses her hugs. It's been a while since I feel her hugs. I miss her so much.
I miss my Soh poh.

Hoping to receive her sms soon.
Can't hold any longer.

Different

She is different.

She used to concentrate on anything I say. She remembers every small details about me. No matter my jokes are good or lousy, she still laugh. Whenever I'm sick, she will show her concern, she will scold when I do not listen to her advise like not to eat fried stuff or drink more water. She will worried.

She will angry when I woke up late and end up scan-in late for work. She will morning call me each morning just to wake me up. She used to buy things for me to eat during 3.30pm when she goes to cafeteria. She used to walk all the way down from her office just to take a peak on me. She would look onto me each time after breakfast before going up her office. She would call me to talk to me after work.

It feels so good to have her care for me.
I felt happy and content with love.

I swear that all the things she done for me is real. I believe 100% that she really love me. I always tell myself that no matter what, she will always think of me first in any situation.

But now, I had to convince myself back of what I believe. I barely feel what I felt before anymore. The way she's treating me now made me so hurt. Am I not important anymore to her? Am I just another of her colleague now? Is that all that I've traded with my love towards her?

She never calls, never talks about her life, never tells me about her anymore. Sometimes I felt that her colleague knows more about her life than me. During lunch time, I felt like I'm the extra. She always talks happily with him. She always have topics with him. It makes me feels like I'm again the third party there. It hurts. Sometimes I even felt that she don't want to even listen to my voice.

I have gastric and back pain but she didn't even ask about it today. I have to remind her.
Not sure if she remembers what I ate this morning and lunch time. But if today is last year, I could bet my life for it that she can remember.

"You Drive!"

That's a sign of hope. That is what I thought.
Meaning of I drive if because there's a chance of only both of us going to lunch.

"I drive!"
Meaning she drive is obviously someone is joining the lunch.

"He drive!"
It's obviously not the lunch that I hope for.

Christmas and New Year is coming.
I kept asking her when she is going to take her leave but never ever dare to asked her what she's going to do during that holidays. I know I'm going to hate the answer,very very much.

I didn't asked much from her but I really hope she would say she will spend the Christmas with me again this year. Only one day is enough for me to last forever. If it happen it will be my best Christmas gift ever.
But my heart is telling me that it is not going to happen and I'm just fooling myself again.
There's no miracle in this world even on Christmas Day.