Love of My Life

Do you believe that two person can miss each other at the very same time? Connected together at the exact same moment? Knowing what the other half of you think and want without telling it out?

All this while, I thought it only can happen in those tvb dramas. But I believed it now, because it happen to me, not only once but frequently. I've never been so connected with any other people before.

This morning I woke at 9am. I've never been awake this early during weekends. The feelings of missing her was so deep. I took out my phone and sms her to tell her that I miss her so much and wanted to hear her voice. The moment I pressed sent, I received her sms saying..

"Just wake up, the first thing cross my mind is you. I miss you darling.. "

I felt so happy because we somehow connected at the same time again. Maybe that explains why I wake at the unusual time of mine today. But at the same time, my heart felt sad and pain when I learned the fact that I'm going to loose her very soon. That I'm going to loose this special privilege which I'm not going to find it in another person other than her.

Each time I tried to tell myself that, soon, everyday is going to be like saturday and sunday but different is without any calls or sms anymore. Can't hear her voice when I wanted to. Can't tell it to her that I miss her. Can't tell her that I want to hug her so much. Even can't make her angry anymore.

I don't want this to happen.
Why must this happen to me?
She's the girl that I love the most.
I've found the love of my life and why must I let her go?
Why two person who love each other must separate?
Why I can only make all this as good memories?
I don't want it to be only good memories, I want to build my future together with her.
I don't want to look back at this memories alone when I'm old but I want to sit down and grow old together with her sharing our good memories.

Without her, I will only be a person without love.


"Kenangan Terindah

Aku yang lemah tanpamu
Aku yang rentan karena
Cinta yang telah hilang darimu yang mampu menyanjungku
Selama mata terbuka
Sampai jantung tak berdetak
Selama itupun aku mampu untuk mengenangmu
Darimu...Kutemukan hidupku
Bagiku...Kaulah cinta sejati

Bila yang tertulis untukku
Adalah yang terbaik untukmu
Kan kujadikan kau kenangan
Yang terindah dalam hidupku
Namun takkan mudah bagiku
Meninggalkan jejak hidupku
Yang tlah terukir abadi
Sebagai kenangan yang terindah"

You'll always be the love of my life.

Loneliness

Loneliness, a word use to describe an emotional state or a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation. That's the meaning from wikipedia.

I've been experiencing this 'loneliness' today.

Yesterday wasn't so bad because I only could not see her but her sms and phone call was still around. I received her sms first thing in the morning when I waked yesterday. She kept sms and call me yesterday, I was happy but at the same time felt sad. Somehow I know the next day won't be the same anymore.

Today I woke 10am. Usually she'll sms me around 1.30pm. So I forced myself back to bed until then, waiting for her sms to come asking me ..

"What are you doing now?"

But it didn't come. As usual I sms her saying..

"Good Morning"

but there's no reply. That moment onwards I knew today will be hard. I continued doing my things, watching drama, wash car, hoping time will fly by fast.

I do not know why but every time when reached 6 to 7 pm I will feel very lonely. Today I went out and took my car for a spin. Been driving with no direction, just trying to skip the evening mood. But suddenly, I received her sms.

"Later going out eat, sai lou tomorrow back liao.."

Even the message didn't really mean anything, it made me smile.
Maybe somehow deep in my heart I've been thinking that if she's going to eat dinner with her sai lou and family meaning that she won't be with "him". Maybe that's where my smile came from.

Talked on the phone tonight and she been whispering. It's been a while she never used her real voice to talk at night. I miss that voice so much.
Tonight I ask her to speak with her real voice, at least one word is more than enough for me. She did and I can feel it in my heart.

She asked me ..

"Like that also can? .. "

Yes, like that also can. Every word from her meant a lot to me. My world will only spin when she's inside.

Tonight I will sleep well dear.

Good Night. Muaks!

Clock Ticking

Her mood was not good these few days.
I got shouted by her a few times.
Each time she did that infront of people, it's like taking a knife and poke into my heart.
But I didn't blame her at all. I understand what she's going through.

Today she told me some of our colleagues suspect our relationship. I know this has made her unhappy and I know that I'm causing that indirectly. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I can't control myself from seeing you.
I'm sorry that I went up to your table always just to make me feel close to you.
I'm sorry that because the fear of loosing you I tried my best to spend all the 24 hours that I got everyday with you fully whenever I can.
I have never meant to make you unhappy. I always wanted you to be the most happy person.

Recently I have sleepless nights or should I say I have been forcing myself to have sleepless nights? Each new day that I enters meaning I'm another step close to that day. By not sleeping or sleep less, hours will move slower, day will come later. All the while the very first thing that came into my mind when I wakes every morning is definitely her.
Last time is like that, now is still like that, and future is going to be like that as well.
But the different are ..

Last time I'm happy that I can see her smile today.
Now, I'll miss her so much and suddenly realized that I'm another step nearer.
And for the future......
I'm not sure anymore what's my direction is, what's my purpose are.
What I know is,
I will not have her smile to seek anymore.
I will not have worries of losing her anymore because I've already lost her.
I will not have a dream because dream does not exists anymore from the day she left me.
All that is left with me will be my deepest love deepest regret that I can't get it out from my heart that will suffer me throughout eternity life.

Day by day, the feeling of loosing her has made me felt more and more useless. I'm starting to doubt my own strength. Blaming myself for not being able to win her. Blaming myself that I'm 5 years too late. I hate myself for not being able to provide her anything. I disliked myself that I can't do anything at all but just know to sit and wait for the day to come and let go the girl that I loved most leave my side..

I hate myself!

Cloudy Future

What's my future going to be without her?
What's her future going to be without me?

Will I be happy? Will she be happy?

I could not even dare to imagine the future when I'm already lost without her for 2 days.
I've been asking myself with questions that I could not answer..

How am I going to live on?
What will I become when I've lost my love one day?
What does true love really means?
Does love her means I have to give up on her?
Does true love means we don't have to be together to love each other?

I've always seen this situation in tv where both lovers that love each other so much but still could not be together. I do not understand why it has to be like that. I do not understand why they have to separate when both love each other so much. But I understand now.

If you really love someone, you'll do anything just for her. You'll even accept and sacrifice everything at all cost just to make her happy. You'll even smile when she scold you. Believe me when I said that.

I love her so much that I'll do anything just for her. Even if I had to separate from her if that's what she felt is the right choice for all of us.

It's not easy to get someone's feelings touched.

She once told me that when you're in love with someone, no matter what the person said or do, the other person will just simply get touched easily, tears will just flow right from our heart. And we both experienced this everyday.

If anybody would ask me this;

"Is she the one that you're willing to spend the rest of your life with?"

I would answer you "YES" without any hesitation.
She's the girl of my life and I wish to share everything in my life with her.

From sadness to happiness.
From young to old.
From day to night.
From warm to cold.
From full tooth to toothless.
From thin to fat.
From fat back to thin.
From healthy to sick.
From hair to hairless.

I would dare to say in-front of my friends when I'm old that I had my life to the fullest if she's part of this.

Today I came across a sentence that says ..

"The worst way to miss someone is to sit beside her and knowing that you'll never have her forever"

I just sat down and broke into tears..