Love Failed

As usual, I stared at the screen for a moment. My mind is blank about what I'm to blog nowadays. This blog was meant for us. But there's nothing for me to write about us anymore. Our relationship had hang on at a very very cold place now and is waiting to be freeze to death. I can only stand there and watch the fire goes off. I couldn't do anything but to see her walk away from my arms. She can't do anything as well but only to see me letting go my arms on her. There's no right for us to say anything! Our love are true but at the wrong moment. We loved each other but we couldn't spend the rest of our lives together. Our love began with the taste of sweetness but is going to end with the taste of bitterness for life. How much more can I do? How long more could I hold her in my arms? Is this life? Why is it so painful? At least I'm sure that this is the life that I had. Is life really that unfair?

During my secondary school, my classmate had asked me a question, "How do you know if you really love someone?" Well, I know damn well how to answer that question. I told her, if you really loved that person, then you'll always think of her first on everything you do in your life. You'll always worried about her safety. You'll always wanted to share your joy with her. When she's sad, you'll try many many ways just to make her smile back. You'll even sacrifice everything just for her. You'll want to spend the rest of your life with her.
If all the requirement above is met, then you'll know you really love that person and I know I do.

Love should be pure. Love shouldn't involve other things in it. But sad to say, this world is so unfair. This world is full of disappointments. The higher hopes, the harder you hit. The deeper the love, the bigger the hole is going to be at your heart. I learned that loving with full heart is just not enough. It's just not enough. Love failed me and I'm scared to trust on it anymore.

I Promise

I felt miserable. I felt so lonely without her.
It just felt so different with her this week. I do not know why. Did I do something wrong? I felt that she treat me a little bit differently.

I'm scared. I'm really scared.
I know that someday will come. Day by day it's getting sooner and sooner.
I prayed to God telling Him to give me one more day and one more day.

She's been treating me very coldly. Is she fed up with me? Is my love towards her has turn into something bad? Am I giving her pressure everyday instead of happiness?
What have I done?
Why did it turn out this way?

When I wake up today, I felt so empty in my life. She doesn't sms me in the morning like she used to be. My heart hurts.
Is she giving up on me already? Everything seems very different now.

I will go away! I promise! I know I can't be the one standing beside you for the rest of your life protecting you. But I beg you, let me be that guy for this last few moments that I have while I can. I promise I will go away from your life forever after that.

I been thinking a lot these few weeks. I've looked into myself. From day 1 when I have very high hopes that I will succeed in getting you to my side until today where I'm just sitting here in my room alone praying to God to give me just another day with you everyday. I see that I've failed miserably. I've lost my confidence, I've lost my direction. I've lost my hopes.

From day 1 that I felt I'm actually bringing you happiness compared to him until today that I felt that I'm actually disturbing your life as a third person. I don't want to be that third person. I don't want!
I just want to be the guy who you loved everyday.

You just called me before you go to sleep. I don't know why but my tears just flow down my cheek when I heard your voice. Maybe because I'm happy that I could still hear your voice today. Because you still cared about me. Because I'm still in your heart.

I just still can't stop my tears now.
All I want to say is I love you and I always do. No matter what happen in the future. Even until the day when we don't talk or see each other anymore.

I will still love you till the end of time.

Day 3 of Long Holidays

It's the third day of the 1 week holidays. I'm used to the weekends but not the whole week. It started on Monday night. I had a dream on that night. I dream of her. I dream that was the last day that she's going to be with me. I still remember she hugged me and whisper to me "goodbye soh lou"

It felt so real to me. I remember my heart was crying out loud that morning before I'm awake. Usually when I dream of her, I would not want to wake up so fast. I would want to continue to dream of her. But this time was different, this dream was so pain.

Tuesday - The day where I woke up with the most painful and scary dream of my life. I missed her so much that morning. Yesterday was only the second day of the week, what am I going to do for the rest of the days? I figured, I will filled myself up with a lot of work to do. In this way, I won't have time to think of her, so I decided to paint my house. It should buy me enough time to complete the week. I went off the day by purchasing all the paints and tools. It occupied the rest of the day.

Wednesday morning - I think I dream about her again last night. But I forget what it is already. The feeling of missing her adds day by day. Well, I started to paint my house today. 1st room. It took me from 10am until 5pm busy painting the room. Finally completed one room. I still think of her but by doing the painting, it help to distract me from her that 7 hours. Well, I still have 2 rooms, 1 Living room, 1 Kicthen, 1 bathroom and 1 balcony to paint. I guess it should be enough for me to last until sunday?

The whole painting cost me about 700 bucks.
It cost me 700 bucks to distract me from missing her for 5 days. Each day 7 hours.
I wonder what it will cost me to distract me from missing her lifetime?

Day 3 ended.