I Regret

She did not answer my calls.
She did not reply my sms.

I did it again. I raised my voice to her again.
But this time it's unintentional. I have no mean to raise my voice to her at all.

It all happened during today's lunch at the Breeks. We were all having lunch there and when I finished my food the plate is empty. At this moment, the waitress came and asked a silly questions.

"Do you still want it?"

She helped me answered "No"

I jokingly told my other colleague that is the waitress blind? What a silly question to asked.
Suddenly she shouted and ask me..

"What? I thought you don't want already?"

She thought I was talking about her ..
Actually I was referring to the waitress. And thanks to my itchy mouth, I added with my voice raised ...

"Why you shouted just now?"

This is where everything started and I'm still unaware of the coming storm until when she asked for her car key which I helped her to keep. Her face was as dark as the charcoal and I know I'm definitely in deep deep shit, again.

At that moment, I knew instantly my mistake and I regret it. But it's all too late.

As soon as I reached office, quickly I surrender myself by writing it in chinese words hoping that she could forgive me by looking at my sincerity.

I know it's my mistake. I know I should have not raised my voice today. Can you please forgive me?

There was no response from her at all. I tried calling her desk phone and her voice was still in angry mode. There's nothing I can do more but to wait until tonight to see if she's willing to answer my phone call.

The day ended and night rules.
SMSs sent, phone calls made but she's not answering it.

She even canceled my calls. My heart broke into pieces each time she did that.
What's more pain than got rejected by the person you loved the most?

Tonight will be long.

Now & Forever

Past few days was really tough.

I was in KL for my US Visa interview and that means I'm away over 400KM from her. Looking at the signboard, every KM that passed me during the journey to KL was killing me. Each time every 1 KM passed, I'm further another 1 KM from her. The feeling was unbearable.

Reached KL and my journey started. Traveled everywhere all just by myself for the first 2 days. I could feel the loneliness, the experience of being alone was not much of a fun. I missed her so much.

While walking around shopping complex, I saw this and bought it for us, one for me and one for her. I'll take the girl and I'll give her the guy. So that we could still see each other even when we're unable to ...

Everywhere that I went, during interview, sitting LRT, having lunch, shopping, walking, resting, watching movie, drinking, with my friends, there was always a thought in my heart whispering, hoping ..

"Wouldn't it be good if she's here right now..?"

Well finally on Saturday, I get to meet all my friends. Finally I thought the feeling of missing her would be minimized as I'll just have fun and forget a little about her a while. But ... I realized that it wouldn't work either and the plan failed miserably.

All the while I thought if one day when she's not by my side anymore, I'll still have my friends. I thought I could just forget her by putting myself deeply into other activities, I thought maybe I can do it, but after this trip it confirmed that ..

No matter what I do, no matter I'm with who, no matter where am I, no matter how far I am from her, my heart will be always be thinking and missing her every second, everyday of my life.

She isn't just anybody else that I could just drop and move on with my life pretending like nothings ever happened before, all I know is she's special and she's the person that I ever love most.

Now and Forever.

Weekends

To most of the people, weekends means a happy day, a holiday, a no work day, a lazy day, ...

But to me..

It's alone day.
It's a day where I'm restricted from her.
It's a day where I want to see her and she wants to see me but can't.
It's a day where we can only communicate through limited sms.

Every week when it's near Friday, I would have a mixed feelings.

1st feelings
- It's our official outing day.
2nd feelings
- It's going to be Saturday and Sunday when our official outing is finish.

How I wished everyday is Friday night and it'll stops there forever.

I miss you.

Sick

Sore throat starts coming on Thursday morning. She had the same symptom as well. And both of us were having Pizza hut the day before and McDonalds for breakfast.

After breakfast, I planned to take some vitamin C for her but instead she's faster than me. Without me knowing it she already put a bottle of vitamin C in front of me on my table.

I felt so 'hang fok' that time.

Before lunch time, she sms me and told me to take my valentine present in her cub. Guess what she gave me?

An "Esprit wallet"

In less than a minute after tearing the wrapper, it's already stored with all my stuff and it's already in my pocket. Oh by the way, I think she wrap the present herself. Very "cacat" but I like it because she wrap it with her love.

I like the wallet very much. Thank you dear.

Yesterday night suppose to be our belated Valentine's Day.
Already have a restaurant in mind, places to go after dinner .. and suddenly I'm sick.
My sickness got worst by the end of the day and took MC on Friday instead.
But I'm satisfied because she came and cruise around with me after work until dinner time.

14 of Feb ended with both of us sick together(same symptom)

sore throat ..
fever ..

I guess that can be considered romantic as well, right?

Always Valentine

Dedicated to You:

I’ll always be the one who looks at you,
And sees you in a fond and loving light;
I'll always know that you’re the one for me,
Because when we’re together, life is right.

You’ll always be my love--my "hoi sam kuo", too,
The person I can count to make me happy constantly.
You satisfy me like no other could;
I’m joyous that it’s you who makes us "We."

I'm always thankful for the day we met;
I love you, and I’m happy you are still mine.
I’ll always feel this joy, this bliss, this peace,
If you’ll be my love forever, Valentine.

I know we're not going to celebrate valentine's day like any other couples.
I know we're not going to hug and cuddle each other today like any other couples would do.
I know we're not going to kiss like any other couples would kiss today.
And I know you'll going to be sad because you unable to provide me all the above on Valentine's Day.

But, I just want you to know that it is alright.

Because I know we treasured each other so much more than any other couples would treasure themselves.
Because I know we want to hug and cuddle so much more than any other couples would want to.
Because I know every single kiss that we had is much much more meaningful than any other couple's kiss.
And because I know our love is so much deeper and stronger than any other couple's love.

Happy Valentine's Day dear.

Irreplaceable

I almost lost my handphone.

It was 9.10PM. I was still in the office working overtime. Both of my cubmates were still there. About a minute later both of them went to the washroom. My vision was blurred and decided to take a trip to the washroom too.

Took a round and walked back to my cub. While I was walking, my hands were searching through my jean's pocket. Out of shock, I realized that my handphone was no where inside my pocket. My heart beat start to add up. Quickly I ran back to my place thinking that it was on my table.

Unfortunately, it was not there.

The weird thing is the first thing that came to my mind was not about my handphone. But instead I was worrying about all the smses that she sent me. If I lost my handphone I will lost all her sms as well. Her smses meant everything to me. I got very scared and kept asking my cub mates if they saw it before they left our cub.

They insist that they didn't see it.
All of us start searching every cub around our office. I tried calling my phone just to hear if my phone was around the corner. Surprisingly I heard my ring tone but very soft. But I'm damn sure it's around here somewhere.

We searched around and still couldn't find it.
I suspect that a malay guy who walked pass me just now might have took it. Anyhow my ring tone was heard somewhere around him but I'm still not very sure.

I got so "kan chiong" that I'll loose all her sms and pictures she sent me and somehow decided to confront that guy demanding my handphone back. I was at the "out of control" stage now until one of my cub mate suddenly stops me.

She says,

"wait.. I just found your handphone.."

You won't believed how I felt the moment I heard that.

Slowly she took out my handphone from her pocket. At that moment I think again and I knew that I've gotten into a prank by both of my cubmates. They were the ones who hide my handphone.

I was so glad that I got my phone, her smses back. Thank God that it was actually just a prank or it could be worst. That was everything that I got 100% of her. Only through that I can feel that she's all mine. I can't afford to loose that at all. It was damn too important to me.

I sat back and some thoughts pop up my head.

I thought that I already knew enough of her position in my heart. I thought that without any doubt I can answer that she's #1 in my heart. However this incident just make it a little bit clearer. She does not have any position in my heart. But only to realized that she is actually my heart.

A position can be replaced, but a heart cannot.

I'm 95% Forgiven

Even though the beginning of today is a bit rough and tough but it's worth it at the end of the day. She talked to me at last. 3 words to describe my feelings right now:

"I'm Glad.."
"I'm Happy.."
"I'm Relieved.."

There's nothing more that I wished for today but only if she could at least listen and answer my phone calls. And it did happened tonight. All back on track after that. Thank God!

Back to this morning, I got a terrible headache result from not getting enough sleep for the past 2 days worrying about me and her. Took half day leave as I couldn't go to work with this condition. First thought of the day was her. Quickly I sms her telling her that I will not be coming to work. Holding my cellphone on my hand hoping she could at least reply me.... but it didn't happen. Well I deserved it.

Woke up around 10 something and decided to invite her for lunch but got rejected with an sms saying:

"No, I got appointment! .."

As usual, a pinch on my fragile heart.

Got up on my feet and went to work. Didn't have anything down my stomach since morning and not planning to put anything inside it after that as well. Don't really have the appetite unless she forgive me or she asked me to.

Another pinch on my heart when I saw her email saying that she was actually planning to go to the bank instead of having any appointment. She actually don't want to see me. Yeah another same sentence to me ..

"I deserved it..!"

Riding through the rocky day and I missed her so much. It's already almost 48 hours of not seeing her. Took a courage move and told her to meet me after work. 1 hour is more than enough for me. But no reply. Check on her cubicle and found out that she already left for home.

Another pinch on my "almost break heart"

Hours later got her sms and we talked through a few things. I let her know a few things and finally something which I've been waiting for appeared, she said:

"I will answer your call tonight. Go rest and remember to take dinner later. Can you do it for me?"

What do you think my answer would be?
Of course I will!

I will do anything just for you ..
I will climb over the rocky mountains just to get your comfortable hugs ..
I will swim through the sea just to get a glimpse of your smile ..
I will sacrifice everything just to taste your sweet love ..

That sms made my day seems a little brighter.
We chat through the night at our usual time and things get better. I'm glad. I'm really really glad. I won't repeat this mistake again at all in the future. And I meant it.
It is so painful for both of us.

Well the result tonight is not that bad, at least

I'm 95% forgiven ...

I Miss You

We had a plan.

We decided to meet up and go together to visit our colleagues to take ang pow. This is a great opportunity for me to see her, until this morning when I woke up.

I thought she'll come and pick me up at 9.30am as we planned. But I was shocked when she sent me an sms saying she's not going anymore. I was so disappointed. I don't felt like going anymore. This trip has no purpose without her.

I tried calling her but she did not pick up at all. She even rejected my calls. I knew I screwed up pretty bad yesterday night for lying to her.

It was so painful when I got her sms saying:

"Please don't call anymore, you know I won't answer. I will turn off my phone if you call again. I meant it!"

I did not called her after that fearing that she'll off her phone and can't reach my sms.
I know if I kept bugging her and call her I'll just make her more angry.

It was 10am now. I'm still on my bed. Regretting over what I've done to her. My colleague call me and told me that she was already at crystal point waiting for me to fetch her to another colleague's house. I told her I might not make it as I really do not have mood to go out at all. But end up was forced to go out as well because she really does not know how to go at all.

Eyes were swollen and face were tired because lack of sleep last night.

Came back around noon and just sat in-front of my computer without doing anything. Pick up my phone trying to send her sms. Everytime I finished compose an sms I dare not send it.

Wanted to say 'Sorry' to her but whenever want to send it, I realized it is too late to say that now. I know it won't make any different by saying it now but I really hope that she'll know that I'm really regret that I lied to her. I seriously do.

No sms from her at all. Tried calling her at our usual time but she rejected my call again.

I miss you so much today.

Biggest Mistake Ever

Dumb me, I did the most terrible things today.

I lied to her.

That is the very last thing that I ever want to do on her. And I did it today.
She called me, I was still out with my friends/classmates that were celebrating birthday for me.

Chat with her and noticed that she doesn't really sounded happy. I knew she felt bad that she couldn't be with me the whole day today to celebrate my birthday with me. She was relieved when she knew that my friends were going to invite me out for dinner.

I just want her to know that yesterday midnight was very meaningful to me and I really appreciate it so much. I really do!

The mistake comes when suddenly I decided to tell her that I already open the cake that she bought for me. I knew she was going to asked me the same question too. That is why I told her first. I knew she'll be disappointed if I tell her I didn't open the cake at all. I was busy editing and printing our pictures the whole day and thinking that I can see the cake tonight when I'm opening it with my family. Without thinking it through, I just answered:

"YES, I opened the cake"

This 5 words is the most regretting words that came out from my mouth that night.

She hanged up and minutes later I received her sms saying:

"2 disappointments: One, you lie; Two; you did not open the cake and see even I get all the way long to buy it for you. If you really appreciate, I think it deserved at least a glance. Why you can lie to me and can say it out so gently when you're not saying the truth. It hurts my feelings and I don't know how to trust you now..."

This sms had my heart totally crushed. I was still with my friends and I totally can't put a smile on my face anymore at that moment. I felt so sad and bad. Why did I lie?? Why must I lie??

I kept asking myself this question.

9th February 2008 - Happy Birthday

It was 8th Feb, 11 o clock at night, as usual either she will call me or I will call her just to chat and say good night to each other before going to bed. Today was rather special to me. It was another 1 hour to my birthday.

She called at 11pm sharp but I was outside living room. When I got to my room I saw one missed call. Quickly I called back.

The first question she asked me was:

"Where are you? Are you at home?"

Well, I didn't suspect anything at that moment. Now that I think back it was a bit "cacat" of her asking me this question when she already know that I'll be sure waiting for her call every night at this time.

We chat and I was thinking that we'll just talked until 12 midnight and she'll just wish me a Happy Birthday and meet up the next day as she promised me. Until a while, she told me another weird sentence.

"I got something to tell you!"

I was kinda scared that she'll say she's not free to come and find me tomorrow. Instead she told me that she was downstairs my house. I was so surprised. Seriously. I was so happy that I'm speechless.

Quickly I dress-up wearing the "Esprit" shirt that she bought for me for my birthday and waxed back my hair which I already washed half an hour ago. Went down and surprised to see her handing me a secret recipe cake. She told me to bring it up and keep in the fridge.

After that we just drove around the town until 12 midnight. She turned over and kiss me and wished me Happy Birthday! It was great. I never expected this night at all. It was the greatest gift ever having her by my side. Going through the most important moment with the girl that I love the most.

My Birthday Wish this year: I wished that she'll stay by my side forever and ever.