Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart

It's Christmas.

24th December & 25th December.

These 2 dates meant a lot to me. It's not just Christmas Day but also the day when we spent our first night together. It is the day when I put a ring into her finger. Last Christmas that I gave her my heart.

Tonight everything is still the same, people gathering around to start counting down, families having Christmas dinner, sms wishing merry Christmas ... but there's one thing that is different for me and her. I'm not by her side and she's not by my side this year. But I believe our hearts are still intact together.

She called me tonight. Her voice made me misses her so much. I wish I could cuddle and hug her to sleep, kiss her in her eyes and say good night.
I hope Santa Clause would bring her into my dreams tonight. That is not too much to asked right? Just make me feel the love again.

I love you Soh Poh, forever & ever

Merry Christmas!

i am sure you're asleep by now .. :*

Can't Go On Without You

It's Saturday today. Another weekend.

I'm being tough. I tried my best to be tough.
I'm scared. I'm questioning myself on my ability to go through the year end holidays.

Can I survive that?

She doesn't hint anything. I guessed it's just me alone this Christmas.

I'm going to start on-leave this coming 24th, 25th, 26th, 27th, 28th. When I looked on these dates, I feels so sad and lonely. I'm going to go through all these days by myself.

If normal days, I still think I can go through it. But this time it's holiday season. It's not only her who is going to have holidays, Other "people" too.

I barely got through when she went KL last year during New year. But at least she's with me during Christmas.

"Sai some more lar .. "

That is her last sms today until now. I kept looking onto my phone. My mind kept wondering around guessing what is she doing right now. Image of her flashing through my mind every minute every second.
I actually wanted to go out today but changed my mind when I thought of what if I met her with someone on the shopping mall? I really couldn't stand that 'slap'.

My heart is going to collapse straight.

I Misses her hugs. It's been a while since I feel her hugs. I miss her so much.
I miss my Soh poh.

Hoping to receive her sms soon.
Can't hold any longer.

Different

She is different.

She used to concentrate on anything I say. She remembers every small details about me. No matter my jokes are good or lousy, she still laugh. Whenever I'm sick, she will show her concern, she will scold when I do not listen to her advise like not to eat fried stuff or drink more water. She will worried.

She will angry when I woke up late and end up scan-in late for work. She will morning call me each morning just to wake me up. She used to buy things for me to eat during 3.30pm when she goes to cafeteria. She used to walk all the way down from her office just to take a peak on me. She would look onto me each time after breakfast before going up her office. She would call me to talk to me after work.

It feels so good to have her care for me.
I felt happy and content with love.

I swear that all the things she done for me is real. I believe 100% that she really love me. I always tell myself that no matter what, she will always think of me first in any situation.

But now, I had to convince myself back of what I believe. I barely feel what I felt before anymore. The way she's treating me now made me so hurt. Am I not important anymore to her? Am I just another of her colleague now? Is that all that I've traded with my love towards her?

She never calls, never talks about her life, never tells me about her anymore. Sometimes I felt that her colleague knows more about her life than me. During lunch time, I felt like I'm the extra. She always talks happily with him. She always have topics with him. It makes me feels like I'm again the third party there. It hurts. Sometimes I even felt that she don't want to even listen to my voice.

I have gastric and back pain but she didn't even ask about it today. I have to remind her.
Not sure if she remembers what I ate this morning and lunch time. But if today is last year, I could bet my life for it that she can remember.

"You Drive!"

That's a sign of hope. That is what I thought.
Meaning of I drive if because there's a chance of only both of us going to lunch.

"I drive!"
Meaning she drive is obviously someone is joining the lunch.

"He drive!"
It's obviously not the lunch that I hope for.

Christmas and New Year is coming.
I kept asking her when she is going to take her leave but never ever dare to asked her what she's going to do during that holidays. I know I'm going to hate the answer,very very much.

I didn't asked much from her but I really hope she would say she will spend the Christmas with me again this year. Only one day is enough for me to last forever. If it happen it will be my best Christmas gift ever.
But my heart is telling me that it is not going to happen and I'm just fooling myself again.
There's no miracle in this world even on Christmas Day.

I'm Alone

Life was hard today. I felt tension. I felt pressured.
I wished I could tell out everything to her about how I feel today but I do not have the opportunity.

Work was stress and but became even more stress when working with weird attitude people. It is not fun anymore. I'm so tired.

I missed the past.
I missed the moments when she came by and sat beside me looking and chat with me.
I missed the time when we waited for each other to go back together.
I missed the journey to the store or receiving with her.
I missed the way she looked at me.
I missed her care for me.
I missed her looking me in the eyes saying she love me.
I missed her saying she missed me.
I missed her hugs

I'm very down and tension.
I wanted to shout out loud into the air.
My work life and love life has ruin badly.
I do not know the word happy anymore.

I wished I could sleep forever and not to think of all the problems again.
I really wish she could hug me tightly right now. I wanted your care so much.

But I know it's not going to happen again.

Immature

"You are not matured"
That's what she told me.
She called me immature after all the things that I've sacrifice for her.

Does she ever wonder why I would be angry at small things like not eating lunch with me? Does she ever think or stand at my side of view?

I was angry when I found out that yesterday that I actually could eat lunch with her alone. Her colleague had join his friends. But she did not call me and let me know at all. If she's angry and call me not mature just about this then I can accept. But does she knows what this day really mean to me? The day when I can eat alone with her? The day where I've waited everyday?

She told me to give her the bracelet back to her when her colleague won't join for lunch. I've been waiting since then. I wanted to wear the bracelet that I bought for her with my own hands. I've been waiting and waiting for this day to come.

I've been planning for a long time to leave her. Everyday I'm suffering from this decision. My heart does not want to leave her but the environment force me to. I have sleepless nights. I sigh whenever I can. I kept thinking of a better way for us but all lead to the same solution which is to leave her.

I've finally made my decision and this is the final week. I was hoping that I could eat with her alone the last time before I confess. I wish I could put on the bracelet for the first time and the last time.

But all that plan came to nothing when I found out she did not call me for lunch yesterday when I had the opportunity. She told me she's going out with her ex-colleague.
When I knew about it, I got angry and she too got angry back at me. After I knew the reasons behind her anger, I felt wrong and apologies.

I finally confessed and told her I will leave her from today onwards and never to involve in her life again. Today's 4 hours was like hell when I cut her from my heart. At this moments, I knew I can't live without her. I really can't.

It took me a while to dial-up, and finally I did. I wanted to say sorry for my misunderstanding about the lunch and the reason why I angry. I wanted to tell her if I could take back the confession because I can't go on without her.

She called me immature instead. She thought I confessed just because she did not want to eat lunch with me. I was disappointed. She should be the one who understands me more than anyone. My heart really hurts.

Love Failed

As usual, I stared at the screen for a moment. My mind is blank about what I'm to blog nowadays. This blog was meant for us. But there's nothing for me to write about us anymore. Our relationship had hang on at a very very cold place now and is waiting to be freeze to death. I can only stand there and watch the fire goes off. I couldn't do anything but to see her walk away from my arms. She can't do anything as well but only to see me letting go my arms on her. There's no right for us to say anything! Our love are true but at the wrong moment. We loved each other but we couldn't spend the rest of our lives together. Our love began with the taste of sweetness but is going to end with the taste of bitterness for life. How much more can I do? How long more could I hold her in my arms? Is this life? Why is it so painful? At least I'm sure that this is the life that I had. Is life really that unfair?

During my secondary school, my classmate had asked me a question, "How do you know if you really love someone?" Well, I know damn well how to answer that question. I told her, if you really loved that person, then you'll always think of her first on everything you do in your life. You'll always worried about her safety. You'll always wanted to share your joy with her. When she's sad, you'll try many many ways just to make her smile back. You'll even sacrifice everything just for her. You'll want to spend the rest of your life with her.
If all the requirement above is met, then you'll know you really love that person and I know I do.

Love should be pure. Love shouldn't involve other things in it. But sad to say, this world is so unfair. This world is full of disappointments. The higher hopes, the harder you hit. The deeper the love, the bigger the hole is going to be at your heart. I learned that loving with full heart is just not enough. It's just not enough. Love failed me and I'm scared to trust on it anymore.

I Promise

I felt miserable. I felt so lonely without her.
It just felt so different with her this week. I do not know why. Did I do something wrong? I felt that she treat me a little bit differently.

I'm scared. I'm really scared.
I know that someday will come. Day by day it's getting sooner and sooner.
I prayed to God telling Him to give me one more day and one more day.

She's been treating me very coldly. Is she fed up with me? Is my love towards her has turn into something bad? Am I giving her pressure everyday instead of happiness?
What have I done?
Why did it turn out this way?

When I wake up today, I felt so empty in my life. She doesn't sms me in the morning like she used to be. My heart hurts.
Is she giving up on me already? Everything seems very different now.

I will go away! I promise! I know I can't be the one standing beside you for the rest of your life protecting you. But I beg you, let me be that guy for this last few moments that I have while I can. I promise I will go away from your life forever after that.

I been thinking a lot these few weeks. I've looked into myself. From day 1 when I have very high hopes that I will succeed in getting you to my side until today where I'm just sitting here in my room alone praying to God to give me just another day with you everyday. I see that I've failed miserably. I've lost my confidence, I've lost my direction. I've lost my hopes.

From day 1 that I felt I'm actually bringing you happiness compared to him until today that I felt that I'm actually disturbing your life as a third person. I don't want to be that third person. I don't want!
I just want to be the guy who you loved everyday.

You just called me before you go to sleep. I don't know why but my tears just flow down my cheek when I heard your voice. Maybe because I'm happy that I could still hear your voice today. Because you still cared about me. Because I'm still in your heart.

I just still can't stop my tears now.
All I want to say is I love you and I always do. No matter what happen in the future. Even until the day when we don't talk or see each other anymore.

I will still love you till the end of time.

Day 3 of Long Holidays

It's the third day of the 1 week holidays. I'm used to the weekends but not the whole week. It started on Monday night. I had a dream on that night. I dream of her. I dream that was the last day that she's going to be with me. I still remember she hugged me and whisper to me "goodbye soh lou"

It felt so real to me. I remember my heart was crying out loud that morning before I'm awake. Usually when I dream of her, I would not want to wake up so fast. I would want to continue to dream of her. But this time was different, this dream was so pain.

Tuesday - The day where I woke up with the most painful and scary dream of my life. I missed her so much that morning. Yesterday was only the second day of the week, what am I going to do for the rest of the days? I figured, I will filled myself up with a lot of work to do. In this way, I won't have time to think of her, so I decided to paint my house. It should buy me enough time to complete the week. I went off the day by purchasing all the paints and tools. It occupied the rest of the day.

Wednesday morning - I think I dream about her again last night. But I forget what it is already. The feeling of missing her adds day by day. Well, I started to paint my house today. 1st room. It took me from 10am until 5pm busy painting the room. Finally completed one room. I still think of her but by doing the painting, it help to distract me from her that 7 hours. Well, I still have 2 rooms, 1 Living room, 1 Kicthen, 1 bathroom and 1 balcony to paint. I guess it should be enough for me to last until sunday?

The whole painting cost me about 700 bucks.
It cost me 700 bucks to distract me from missing her for 5 days. Each day 7 hours.
I wonder what it will cost me to distract me from missing her lifetime?

Day 3 ended.

My Soh Poh, My Love

I didn't have time to blog a few days ago. I wanted to type something after her birthday but there was too many things that I need to settle for my projects.

Well, everything went smooth, until the last step when she took the wrong present at the wrong step.

Her first present was a MNG sun shade. I surveyed a few shop including Esprit, MNG, normal spec shop .. Among all I felt that MNG suit more to her style, so I bought a MNG sun shade for her. At first I had difficuilty to enter the shop because the shop was filled with famales only. I took courage and went in as well because I wanted to buy her a new shades. The reason why I wanted to buy this present is because I want her to wear the shades that I bought for her everyday. But I think the specs that I bought is too big for her. Sigh ..

Her second presend was a bracelet. She would look pretty wearing the bracelet I bought for her :)

Her 3rd present was a heart or a card. I wrote my heart on her birthday card.
I wonder which present she like the most? Is it the card? Is it the bracelet? or Is it spec? But I think it's the song that I sang to her. :)

I thank God for giving me the chance to celebrate this year's birthday with her. It's another suprised when I got to eat lunch with her alone. It's really out of my expectation.
I told her that I wanted to see her to become the most happy person on that day. I get to see her smile but I also hear her cry.

She told me that she's sam thong for me. But let me tell you Soh Poh, every little thing that I did it for you I felt happy doing it because I want to make you happy. Like I said, the moment when you're happy, I'm happy too.

She's been having a vertigo also known as pening-pening when she bend down her head. I am so worried. The last time she went to see the doctor, the doctor gave her medicine and she felt better a bit but after that it came back. Recently she went to see doctor again and the doctor confirmed that she had an ear infection that caused her to be imbalance. It relieved me a bit but still worried because it is not over yet.

Please follow the exercise when got people and eat the medicine on time ok, soh poh?

I have to get back to my projects already :D
Curi tulang a while to blog about you, soh poh.

Muaks!

Happy Birthday Soh Poh!

I know I'm risking Sakea Sushi later but I'm going to do it anyway!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOH POH!!!!!!!!
I had started to prepare for her birthday one month ago. Go here go there to survey what to buy for her. Think here think there how to plan the day so that she can be the most happy person on her birthday.

This whole September was was so busy. There's so many projects that I need to work on it especially this week. But that never become more important than my Soh Poh Birthday. Most Tai Sai.

She went and do her hair today. It took her 2 hours to complete the treatment. After that she went to Queensbay mall to shop. This is what she does every year before her Birthday. She wants everything new on her body from head to toe on her birthday. But sadly she didn't found any clothes that she likes.

This year, I know I can't take guitar while singing Happy Birthday Song to you. But I never give up. I still got other ways to sing it to you. Press Play below.

Caution : Before pressing play, please put on your HEADPHONE! and Please don't laugh.



I tried to record this everywhere. Almost 10 - 15 times. This is the best among all. I record it in my room but the background was too noisy. I went to my mom's room but it is still the same. I close everything put curtain on and on aircond, it reduce but it is still noisy. I went into my car, close everything and did not start the engine, and finally get what I wanted but I sing cacat. So I sing again and again and again until I satisfied. Some passer by were looking at me wondering why am I open mouth big big in the car alone. I looked stupid but I could look more stupid if I can make her smile even a bit. It is worth it.

Soh Poh, you saw the countdown clock beside my blog? Right hand side? It countdown to your birthday. I wanted to put it up last Friday but I tried many times and failed. I only manage to kau tim it today.

I hope I can make you the happiest person on your Birthday Soh Poh.

Happy Birthday my dear!
BIG Muaks to you.

From your dearest Soh Lou.

Miserable Long Weekend

It's the end of these 4 miserable holidays, finally. Most people will be happy with holidays but not me. Last Thursday, everybody was busy and un-patiently waiting for the clock to ticked at 5.00PM. All was excitedly looking forward to the long weekend. Looking forward to the merdeka sales. Looking forward to go holiday with their loved ones. But it's the opposite for me though. I was looking at my watch and it was near 5PM. It doesn't felt excited for me, it doesn't felt happy or joy for me but more to a lonely and sad weekend for me. as I think more and more, I decided to rush up to her, to have a final look at her before the long weekend arrived.

Friday was a bit of a excited day and also a sad day for me but the ending was ok though.

Saturday was rather quite a boring day. I was home the whole day watching drama and doing projects. I don't felt like going out at all, even if I do, I won't feel happy at all because she's not by my side.

Sunday, was home the whole morning, I woke up at around noon. Continued watching drama and completing my projects. I went out to dinner with my family at night at Soon Soon Lai. The dinner was missing something. The dinner was missing her. It was not perfect without her in it for me. It's like my head had been programmed to think of her 24 hours every minutes. She's all I have. After dinner me, mom and fei cai went to queensbay for a last minute shopping. Before I reach there, there was alot of things that I wanted to buy. But when I'm there, it felt different. Maybe it was the surrounding that make me no mood, too many people, she's not here to choose and pick clothes for me, all I can say is, everything seems dull without her.

Got through Sunday and another Monday for me to battle.
I went to giant to buy milk, sunshine to search for exercise equipment and queensbay to cut hair with fei cai. It might look very happening today but each place that I went, I missed her. I really hope she was the one beside me in all these. I will definitely be 200% more happy if fei cai was her today.

It's 9.29PM right now, it's getting near to see you my soh poh.
Muaks.

An Unexpected Day

Sorry that I've made you lost your mood. I was looking forward to today so much. Starting from yesterday when you told me that you going to come to look for me after your shopping, I was so excited and happy. Whole day, whole night my smile keep showing when I thought about it.

When I slept at night, I keep waking up because I'm too excited. The feeling is like the next day I'm going somewhere to play. I keep looking at the time. The worst thing is the time kept moving so slow. In my head, there's plenty of imagination that is going through my mind. I was thinking tomorrow when she comes, will I get a kiss from her? Will she bring me out for a turn? Even it's just a turn around my house will be great. Will she surprise me with something else? A lot of thinking was done yesterday night and I think this contribute partially to the sleepless night.

This morning when I wake, I keep sms her asking her has she went out? From the moment she step out from her house, it is a sign telling me she's coming to me. I waited anxiously and happily. trying to make the time goes by faster, I watch drama, fix computer, surf net ... but without realizing it, it's already 1.30PM. She's finally on her way to her dentist. But at that time I began to felt tired and eyes were dry due to yesterday's sleepless night and the over usage of computer this morning. I told her I wanted to get a nap. It would takes around 3 -4 hours for her to do all her things and that would have enough time for me to take a quick nap.

I received her sms at 4 PM and I just woke up. She said she's coming now and I was "unprepared" Sometimes it is very weird. I already started to prepare since yesterday night but because of those early preparation I end up unprepared also. Without wasting time, I wanted to quickly get up and bath, wash my face, wax my hair, etc etc to make me look great so that she can see me in great shape. But she still chatting with me about her teeth which the doctor told her that she grained her teeth at night which caused her teeth to be shorten. After she hung up, I quickly rush to the basin and wash my face. A bath is not possible anymore. She might be just around the corner. I don't want her to wait and I also don't want me to just walk out with my hair un-comb and pants un-changed. My phone rang and I know I'm dead.

Everything was done and by that time she already called me twice rushing me down. In my heart I was thinking maybe she wanted to bring me to a short turn thats why she's wanted to do it without wasting any time. I quickly rush down by the second call and was disappointed when I saw all her stuff was still in the front seats. I told myself it is ok because she did came to see me. She didn't say that she wanted to go for a ride or anything else because all these while it was me who thought it would happen. I did not blame her. Really. I know that she took great pressure to come and see me as well and I appreciate it. But I'm still human, the feeling of wanting her so much beside her car made me showed on my face that I'm sad and disappointed.

Soh Poh, I just want to let you know that if just now I wasn't sad or disappointed, and feel nothing at all, then I can tell you that I don't miss you at all. But I do. I felt sad I felt hurt when you didn't invite me in your car. I felt sad when you didn't prepare the front seat for me when you already know I will like to enter so much. I felt all these is because I love you soh poh. I didn't meant to tell you all these and make you feel that I blame you. I didn't. I really did not blame a single of you at all. I didn't. You are so precious to me how would I dare to hurt you?
When you told me you have no mood to go wash hair anymore, I was so kan cheong and called you straight away. I want you to feel happy and I know my mistake today make you no mood.

I'm sorry Soh Poh. It is always me who made everything become no mood. No matter who's right or wrong between us, I just want you to know that I will take up everything for you. That's what a Soh lou should always do for her Soh Poh right?

I'm sorry and I hope you could be happy back?

My Soh Poh My Shell

Everytime I go for a trip I will buy a keychain for my soh poh. This is one of it. I saw this key chain during my trip to cameron highlands. She is a Manchester United fans... So I wanted to buy this key chain for her. I have yet to give it to her. :P



Today my soh poh tell me that she wanted to drink 'my' milo. So here it is. I can't delivered it immediate to balik pulau but I can delivered it immediate here.
Today was hactic. Whole day was busy with work and meetings. Another meetings followed by another meetings until 5PM. A lot of work still pending. I felt so tired and tension. But I can handle it because my soh poh is always behind me supporting me. I know when I'm down or when I need support, she will always be the first one to cheer me up, encourage me to continue on. She is the source of my energy. She is my rest point. She is my petrol station.

A kiss back to my Soh Poh - Muaks~

A Joy is Not A Joy Without Her

Last Saturday was my Lou Tau's birthday. But I'll be going to Cameron Highlands on that day so we went for dinner on Friday instead.
We went to CRC restaurant to eat. A lot of people came that day. 11 person.
I promise my soh poh to let her see all the dishes that we ate that day. I want her to feel that she was with us during that time.
1st dish that we ate .. it's called 4 season I think but there's more that 5 things there. :p



























Next dish will be my favorite shark fins soup. I drank 2 bowl of the soup.
The 3rd Dish is called "Tong Ku Hai Som" This is her favorite. She likes to eat hai som because it can make her skin smooth and soft. I ate extra for her as well that night. :P













The 4th dish is .... -_-" Roasted Chicken It was sutted so fast until I'm unable to take a picture of it.













Here come the 5th dish - The Sia Kap Fish Cheng Chui













The 6th Dish is Chang Sou Mien (It taste like Wan Tan mee only)













7th Dish is the desert already - Ang Tau Sa .. You should like this.













8th Dish is Don't know call what. But inside is sweet sweet one.













The 9th and the last dish is Moon cake.














That was the dinner. I really hope she was there with me that time.
The next day was cameron day. This trip suppose to be a fun trip but turns out it didn't. Not because the place is not nice but because she's not together with me to share all these holidays.

When I was up there, it's cold and raining, I was thinking if she was there with me, I could hug her and go through the heavy rains together. But I think if she really was there, she might choose just to stay in the apartment because outside is wet and dirty. :p













Everything that I saw, everything that I ate, I will think of her. I wanted to buy everything for her.
This is one of them - her favorites
The JAGUNG!
It has yellow and white combination together. Very sweet and nice. I was thinking to buy back the raw jagung and pass it over to canteen to steam it for her to eat :p

I enjoyed the trip the first 10% only. The other 90% did not enjoy because I was missing her. No matter how many trips that I went, if she's not beside me, I won't enjoy it. Even how good the destination is. I will enjoy the trip 100% even if the trip is to Genting Highlands with her or Batu Feringgi.

Muaks!

I'm Your Soh Lou Angel

Just back from gym and after bath.
Her car got scratch and minor knock by a stupid car today at lunch time.
It's raining and she had to go out alone to check on her car while her "gentlemen" friend just sat inside the car waiting to laugh at her.
I'm so unhappy about that. Why let a girl out to see herself while it is raining heavily? Why let my soh poh got wet? I wouldn't let this happen if I was there that time. Definitely won't!

She sent me a picture of her car bumper showing me the scratches. It is deep and long.
The only way is to touch up the paint.
We bet 4D and Da Ma Cai today on her car number today hoping it would come out and she could do her bumper for free but almost.
It came out **98 instead of **65. Just 2 number missing and we're both are on our way to fix her bumper and one day shopping at Esprit :p

Soh Poh, suddenly i thought about yesterday when you sat at the back of the car and I'm infront seat. When we're going back to the office? Remember that you lean front on the seat that I'm sitting and I lean back and we're both listening to the songs and looking out at the window for the scenery and you were tickling on my arm? I can smell you and I can feel you even we were separated by the seat. I felt very comfortable with you so near me. I felt so relax and calm when I smell you. Only you alone who can make me feel like this.

Yeah, that's about it. I just thought you should know about this, how I felt at that time :D
Don't be sad or geram over the scratches ok? Just always remember that I will always, always be by your side guarding you like an angel. I will always find ways to make you happy.

I love you my dear.
Muaks.

Your Soh Lou.
Always.

Excited match for her Excited Day for me

Really did not expect her to read my blog yesterday. I'm surprise she read it last night.
This morning before I wake, there's already a sms waiting for me. It's from her.
She knows about I'm sleeping @ 1.30am yesterday night. I thought she'll only read it during Monday.

I watched all the dvds movies that I bought yesterday from bukit jambul complex. Very few sms from her today. I just miss her. Wanted to hear her voice.
I continued on watching my dvds to shift my attention.

Tonight there's going to be badminton match between Lim Chong Wei and Lin Dan. I know she's very excited about it. I really hope I could watch with her tonight, sitting by her side.
But it's ok, I will sms her while I watch the match. This way I will feel that I'm just next to her.

I get to see her new hair tomorrow. I'm as excited as she was when she wants to see the badminton match :P

Deviated Routine

It's Saturday and Sunday again. It just feels too fast.
I don't like weekends. It makes me feels like it's just me. I can't see her.

Today I wake at 11 something. Look at my phone but didn't see any sms from her.
A little bit disappointed but it's ok. I know she think of me the first thing in the morning when she wakes.
I smsed and let her know that I'm awake. But no reply.
I continue on my day like usual. Watch drama. But my supply of drama is coming to an end. New ones are still in progress of downloading. I don't want to stay at home doing nothing because I will think of her more.

Went down and wash my car. After wash I noticed that some dirts can't come out. So I decided to send my car to polish. Something to do for today.
She was at the crystal point saloon doing her hair.
I went to the polish centre and put my car there. The shop owner told me that it's going to takes around 5 hours to complete the whole thing.
It was just 2.40PM that time. The shop locate just opposite sun shine.
Nobody to call to fetch as everybody is busy. No choice and have to walk to bukit jambul complex and back home alone. Weather was quite hot at the beginning but was ok at the end.

I did thought want to walk to crystal point. :P
But I can't go in anyway. :(
Just miss her too much.

Everything ended like the way it is and those walking contribute a little to my exercise.
Can't wait till Monday to see her and her 600 bucks hair.

Muaks.
p/s - :p I know the time ok. I'm going straight to bed now ok?. :P Good Night Soh Poh.

Sudden Urge

At work right now. You are in training. A lot of work to do right now but somehow I just miss you.
I know you're just very near but I still miss you. Maybe because I felt sleepy and just want to hug you. I miss hugging you standing. Something that we didn't do quite sometime now.

Just wanted to tell you this.
Muaks~!

Weekend Loneliness

Last Friday she wasn't at work. This is the first time she didn't go to work the whole day. This is the first time I'm at office and she's not the whole day.
Felt a bit different. I missed her the whole day.

Breakfast without her on the table doesn't feel right.
Her grandma passed away and she's busy with the preparation of the funeral.
At first I thought Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I won't be hearing from her. But she did call me from time to time. I'm glad.

She must be very tired these 3 days. I wished I was beside her these whole 3 days. I wished to be part of what she's going through. I want to be part of her life.

Company's business is slowing down now because it's end of the year. OT is cut and I have less work and more time now which indirectly makes me think of her more during my free time.

I can see her again tomorrow. Can't wait!

Wednesday Without Me

Finally. It's Wednesday.

I will be coming back today.
Do you know what time? Please refer previous blog for more information.

I wonder if you send me sms, my phone can receive or not leh?
Or it will be kept under Maxis server then when I reach Malaysia, I will get it all at once?
Wonder what will I see? 100 sms from Soh Poh?? - have to buy new phone fast.

I think the most wanted thing that I'm going to do when I step down from airport is to call you and listen to my soh poh voice. But the best will be once I step down from the plane first call that come in is "Soh Poh calling"

One 2002, Bali was bomb by terrorist and killed 20 people.
On 2005, Bali was bomb by terrorist and killed over 200 people.

A thinking keep on lingering on my head.
What if, there's anything happen to me and I can't make it back to my soh poh?
What if this is the last blog that I'm ever going to write for her? Choi! Touch Wood! I will come back and continue to love my soh poh until I am 100 years old.

But Soh Poh, I just want you to know that I will always always love you. You are the best thing that ever happen in my entire life. There's nothing more valuable than you to me. You are my greatest achievement.

I love you.

Soh Lou.

Tuesday Without Me

Soh Lou Tuesday Blog

How good if you're here with me now.
I'm sure I will be pretty lonely there without you. Every night before I go to sleep I will miss the sweet voice of yours.

I will miss your voice of waking me up every morning.
I will miss your call asking me to go breakfast.
I will miss your call asking me to go lunch.
I will miss "mushi mushi"

How's work yesterday? Is your mood ok?
I not going to let go anybody who make you unhappy. They will get it from me when I come back this Thursday!

Today is the 4th day without you around 50KM radius and 2nd day without me in the office.
You asked me to have fun and forgets about everything but how can that be done? How to forget you when you're part of me?

My heart is part of me. So how can I forget my heart?
My heart is part of me. You are part of me. So ..
Heart = You = Part of me.

I'm sure I'm now walking under the hot sun and had become dark and toned :P
Another one day and I can see you already.
My body is having fun in Bali but my mind is at your heart.

I will take a lot of photos and show you so that you can go through all that I went through together with me.

So have you decide weather to buy a watch or bag already?
The due dates is near.

That's all for today Soh Poh!

From
Bali Soh Lou with muaks (keep for tonight one ah)

Monday Without Me

Good Morning Soh Poh!
Suprised to see me writing blog when I'm suppose to be still in Bali?
No ok! I did not bring my laptop there!

There's a new feature in this blog that can type all the blog ready and post it automatically on the day you selected. So this blog is for Monday.

Today will be the 3rd day I'm not around 50KM radius from you and 1st day I'm not in office with you. The last two days was so so suffer because I will be missing you. I know it. I will.
I won't be around joining you for breakfast today.
You won't have to wake me up today.

At this time I guess I might still be sleeping like a PIG! or maybe I'm already wake up and walking around the town or doing spa ...
I'm staying at The Oasis Hotel. This hotel is near the airport.
The first two days we stayed at Puri Saron Hotel - Somewhere in the middle of the town.

There's another 2 days before I'm back to your 50KM radius.
The enjoyment is a little less without you here and I know you will say -

"Ah neh kuan la?"
Yes! Memang Ah neh kuan ok.

This week should be your pre-pms week.
I'm not around you to let you scold but it's OK!.
When I'm back, you can scold me triple more times! I promise.
Or if you can't wait, you can always dial to your SQE rambo and scold him. He should be able to 'tahan' until I come back - I know you're smiling right now.

I should be visiting temples and beach today and each and everything that I visit, you are with me in my mind. I am bringing you together with me in this trip in my mind.

So don't forget, I'm thinking of you every second, every day of my life.

Love,
Soh Lou from Bali.
Muaks - Saturday Night Kiss
Muaks - Sunday Night Kiss
Muaks - Tonight's Kiss

Her Happiness My Happiness

I'll be going to Bali tomorrow morning.
Here're another reference to my flights details if case my Soh Poh forgets:-

26th July 2008
1225 - Depart from Penang to Kuala Lumpur
Reach - 1315 @ Kuala Lumpur

1645 - Depart from Kuala Lumpur to Bali
Reach - 1945 @ Bali

30th July 2008
0750 - Depart from Bali to Kuala Lumpur
Reach - 1050 @ Kuala Lumpur

1340 - Depart from Kuala Lumpur to Penang
Reach - 1430 @ Penang

I know I'll definitely miss her when she's not within my 50KM radius. Not sure if I can send her sms while I'm in Bali. I will be far and connectionless with her during these coming 5 days.

Today was all out from my plan. I want to wake up early this morning so that she'd be in time to come to my place to collect her breakfast. So I must be earlier than her. I set my alarm clock to 6.50am this morning and I woke @ 7.00am. Having done everything and it's almost 7.29am. She called and I told her I'm going to be earlier than her today.

She hung up and I quickly take my stuff and prepare to go out.
Suddenly I got a call from my cub mate PY asking me if I can go and fetch her to work today because yesterday she left her bike @ office and she was planning to follow CV to work today. Unfortunately CV told her this morning that today she had to go as early as 6am due to some issue in the office. She had no choice but to ask for my help because I'm going a little late.

I thought I could make it before 7.45am but unfortunately failed. There's huge traffic jam along sg dua road which caused my delay. I tried to drive as fast as I could but only managed to reached @ 8.00am. I did not told her about this.

I'm too late.

I really don't know this is the start of my nighmare today.
I wanted her to have the donut that I bought for her. I proposed to come out and pass the donut to her when she come down. All I have in my mind was only "She wants to eat the donut, so I must pass her the donut" Never thought i made a careless mistake again.

This was the first nightmare of the day.

Day goes on. Never to know there's more nightmare coming towards me.
Another kepo.com colleague suddenly blames me on something that I didn't do. Without any investigation, she kept accusing me that it is my fault.
I was angry but only lasted 5 minutes. Nothing left but something that I wanted to tell my soh poh about. Not to complain or to argue but merely just want to tell her what had happen today at my working place.
This wasn't a nightmare actually, it was just a dust that I could easily wipe off because it doesn't involve my soh poh.

Day ending, my "good" colleague PY, asking me something that I do not know or shall I say I was already packed and no computer to have a reference. Straight away she called and ask for my boss's help which indirectly caused him to misunderstand that I do not know anything. Well this is nothing actually and was not planning to tell anyone including my soh poh but never to know the next incident triggers me to tell everything out.

I bought a box of biscuit and put it in my soh poh's tray.
Because of this I made her unhappy which indirectly cause me to be unhappy as well.
I told her about the kepo.com stuff.
I told her about the PY stuff.

Again, I'm not trying to complain or argue but just merely want to share with her what I went through today.

I have no mood now because my soh poh has no mood.
Everything that happens today @ work is NOTHING and I could overcome it in seconds.
But if my soh poh is unhappy about me then it is BIG ISSUE to me. This is the toughest obstacle of all. I will only have mood and happy back if she have mood and happy back.

Sorry Soh Poh!
I know I didn't think before act.
I will think next time but I need you to know that everytime when I think, I think of you first.
I scared you do not have donut to eat.
I want you to eat the donut that I bought for you.
I scared that you want to eat the biscuit.
I want you to eat the biscuit that I bought for you.

You will only get to read this on monday.
I will be in Bali already by that time.
Not sure if I can receive your sms or not? or I can send it out or not?
But always remember that I'm thinking of you every second.

Muaks~
Forever Soh Lou.

A Day Half Without SMS

Ever felt so frustrated when you can't send or receive sms? Especially when you're always waiting sms from your loved ones?

Yeap, I've been experiencing this situation since yesterday morning. It is so irritated when I can't send any sms to her. She sent a MMS and told me that her finger was injured when she washed her smock, her finger was red and bleeding. When I saw the picture, my heart felt "pain". I pressed "reply" and wanted to ask her if she's alright? I knew she was expecting my reply at that time but I just couldn't send the messages out. My stupid N70 just kept popping the error message showing:-

"Text message:
Not enough memory to perform operation. Delete some data first."

Ahh, why this happen when the situation is so urgent? She's waiting for my reply. Was so frustrated that time. Keep on delete some of my friend's sms but still couldn't work either. I tried restarting my phone a few times hoping that my N70 could just return back to normal but it failed. I guess the phone was in the PMS period. I called her but there was no reply but luckily she called back. I managed to tell her the situation. Her finger was ok bu I'm still pain. Anything, any small thing even if she's bitten by a small small ant, I would felt the pain as well. She's very very precious to me.

She is my princess.

My N70 just couldn't recover the whole day until today. Keep on asking me to delete some data because the memory is full. I only have her sms in my phone and I will not delete even one of it. Every sms from her is important to me. I would rather buy a new phone to accommodate all the sms from her rather than delete all the sms so that my phone could be use back.

While browsing through all the sms, I noticed she already sent me "One Thousand Seven Hundred and Sixty Five" 1765 messages. I told her yesterday that it is 2000 messages, yeah, it's going to reach there soon. My phone has already overloaded and will be over over loaded again soon. I'm searching for a new phone that has a bigger memory to store all her sms. I am hoping that I could find a phone that can store more than 100,000,000 of her sms.

I managed to fix or I could say I delete some of my ringtones that was stored in the phone memory. That could give me another 8MB that could keep the N70 going.
Not getting her sms or can't sms her is something very suffering. Something that I'm not used to. Luckily she called once a while in a day.

I would choose her sms over my RM 1500 phone
I would choose her happiness over my happiness.
I choose her to be my princess, my love, my soh poh, my everything.

A Gift of Heart

She asked me this morning..

"How come your blog no updates one?"
"Is it already expired?"

I ter-smile out.

Actually I was waiting for her to ask me as well.
I was wondering why she didn't ask me after quite some time the blog is not updated.
But today I knew that she check on it every week.
That's what made me smile out.

Yesterday, I bought her the watch that she wanted so long.
I finally purchased it. Her voucher restrain has no use anymore after I manage to convince the other shop to offer me the same price the voucher is offering.

I was thinking of a thousand ways on how to give her the present.

Plan A - If I can wake early
- Wake up @ 5AM in the morning and go to work and place the watch on her table?
- Wake up@ 5AM in the morning and go to work and hide the watch somewhere in her cubicle and place a map for her to find it out herself?
- Draw a map and stuff it inside the donut and let her find out herself after finish eating the donut?

If Plan A Fails
- Purposely tell her don't want to go lunch, then put the watch on her table?
- Put it in a big box plus donuts and roti boy and bring it up to her?
- Pass the donut and rotiboy first or watch first?

Well, at the end, all plans failed.
I slept till 7.41AM and even though I didn't go lunch with her, I had a meeting from 12AM to 1.30PM. -_-"
But I still manage to give her the present, putting it into a folder and bring it up to her.

Her expression was priceless when she found out that I bought the watch for her. Her face was indescribable. 10 expression mixed together at once.
She indirectly making my face the same as hers too - mixed expression.

Everything went smooth, and I was glad.
She's happy with the watch and so am I.













This is not just something that a BF bought a watch for her GF because his GF likes it.
This is not just something that the BF uses his money to buy something for her GF.

This is about a Soh Lou showing how much he loves his Soh Poh.
This is about a Soh Lou wants to buy something that his Soh Poh likes it so much.
This is about a Soh Lou wants his Soh Poh to be reminded of her Soh Lou everytime she looks at this watch. Each ticking represents "I Love Soh Poh"

It is when you're happy that manage to unlock my true smile.

Presenting the co-star

Sunday Without Her

I miss her.
I woke up this morning and first thing that cross my mind was..

"I want my girl right beside me now"

Almost everyday I will dream of her. Not everyday but 2 to 3 times every week.
She told me that when you dream means you're not sleeping well.
In my heart I was telling myself, if that's true, then I would rather not to sleep well everyday just to dream about you.

Everything went like what I planned before, go cut hair, go gym, tonight's father's day dinner.
The only thing that had similarity of those 3 is, I think about her in every occasion.

Didn't hear her voice at all the whole day. we only sms each other.
I so want to hear her voice.
I could only wait until 11 later. Only half an hour to go.

Can't wait 11 o clock to come.

More than a Prayer

Guess what?
We kissed today.
Something that I never expect today.

It happened during when we're singing in RedBox karaoke.
I knew in the middle of somewhere, the other person that came with us will surely go to toilet. I myself wanted to go but I waited, I knew I didn't wait for nothing.
Finally, like what I expected, he really got up and went to the washroom.
At that moment, I only expect that I could touch and hold her hands. Maybe a quick kiss on her cheek. But surprisingly, she leaned over to me and kiss me on the lips.
I suddenly regain that feeling that I lost quite some time ago. I remembered the feeling of kiss by her again today.

Yesterday I prayed that I could spend the whole day with her today. But God answered my prayer by giving me something even more meaningful.

After karaoke, we went to shopping at Esprit.
She wanted to buy a watch but required another 100 bucks to complete the voucher.
I would certainly want to help her to complete the 100 bucks but I wanted her to choose something for me to buy. But she feared that I might felted being forced by her to buy the 100 bucks.

"NO!"
"NEVER!"

I want her to know that she's wrong by thinking that!
If I could help her to complete or fulfill the things that she wants, it will be my most pleasure to do so because to be enable to fulfill your lover's wish is something very 'hang fuk" to do.

We went to our colleague's wedding lunch later on.
Everything seems happy but the lunch was kinda "little" This is how malay wedding lunch is all about. But I still felt happy because she's just beside me, no matter how 'little' or untasty the food is.

We're about to end the outing after finished the lunch.
One of our colleagues suggested that we go Queensbay to visit another colleague's son.
Of course I won't let go this opportunity to extend the outing. I suggested that we joined in as well. We did and we went to Queensbay for another round after Gurney this morning.

Everything looks great. She sat at the front passenger seat and I was at the driver seat. Ther person at behind seat ... "just forget it"
It feels like only both of us in the car like last time.

I am very happy today.

Saturday Outing

Tomorrow we're going to Redbox together.
I've been waiting for this so long.
Finally can go out with her even if the outing is not really that perfect because there's another person in it, but I am grateful of this outing. It is already much more than what I could get.

I'm not a good singer, but I insist of going because I can hear my lover sings, and I could sit by her side looking at her singing.

We'll be going to our colleague's wedding lunch after Redbox.
I wish the list could go on.
I wish we'll be going to another more place after that.
I wish to be with her the whole day.

My brother's birthday is tomorrow as well. My family had planned to have dinner to celebrate his birthday. But tomorrow is also my outing. I was thinking that I could postpone my brother's birthday dinner so that I could be with her until at night. I know I'm bad, but I did it because i want to see her more.

I'll pray tonight hoping my wish will come true.

Love Medicine

My love for you has always been my first priority.
Nothing is more important than that.

In the past few days, I've been secretly making a love portion for you.
I've put in my love, my thoughts and my feelings into that very special bottle.

Each scroll represent me when I'm not by your side. All the words inside the bottle is all that I want to tell you no matter I'm by your side or not. If can, I would like to continue telling you all these until you're age 1000.

If you really have 1000 years of age, I just want to have 999 years and 364 days, so that I never have to live a day without you.

When you need me, when you misses me, take one and always remember that I meant every single words in there.
Each words, each scroll.

BUT, do not OVERDOSE! Only maximum ONE per day.

I love You Soh Poh!

All My Life I Prayed For Someone Like You

She once told me that,
When you're being loved by someone you loved, that's the real meaning of hang fuk.
And I was touched deeply into my heart.
I felt the feeling of being loved by her.
I felt hang fuk.
If I don't have her, I won't have hang fuk at all.
She's the only girl for me.. For life.

All My Life

I Will Never Find Another Lover
Sweeter Than You
Sweeter Than You
And I Will Never Find Another Lover
More Precious Than You
More Precious Than You
Girl You Are..
Close To Me You're Like My Mother,
Close To Me You're Like My Father,
Close To Me You're Like My Sister,
Close To Me You're Like My Brother
And You Are The Only One My Everything
And For You This Song I Sing....

All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Thank God
That I..That I Finally Found You
All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Hope That You Feel The Same Way Too
Yes, I Pray That You Do Love Me Too

I'd Send You All That I'm Thinking Of........Baby

Said I Promise To Never Fall In Love With A Stranger
You're All I'm Thinking Of
I Praise The Lord Above
For Sending Me Your Love
I Cherish Every Hug
I Really Love You

All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Thank God
That I...That I Finally Found You
All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Hope That You Feel The Same Way Too
Yes, I Pray That You Do Love Me Too

You're All That I Ever Know,
When You Smile All My Face Always Seems To Glow,
You Turned My Life Around,
You Picked Me Up When I Was Down,
You're All That I've Ever Known,
When You Smile My Face Glows
You Picked Me Up When I Was Down
Say...You're All That I've Ever Known
When You Smile My Face Glows
You Picked Me Up When I Was Down
And I Hope That You
Feel The Same Way Too
Yes, I Pray That You Do Love Me Too

And All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Thank God
That I..That I Finally Found You
All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
Yes, I Pray That You Do Love Me Too

And All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Thank God That I...That I Finally Found You.....

A Promise

Treating the person whom I loved the most in my life as only friend?
Looking into her eyes everyday pretending that she's just a friend?
Continue like nothing has ever happened between us before and talk to each other like a friend?
I can't do this at all. I can't.
I can't treat the girl that I loved so much as only a friend!
I can't!

She asked me for lunch just now, and I said "no".
There was a moment when I wanted to say "Yes" but I didn't.
This is the first time I said "no" to her.
Having breakfast and lunch with her is what I'm dying for everyday but I rejected her today.
My heart was in pain when I said that. I don't want to but I know I have to. I have to.
I wanted to eat with her so much! I wanted to spend the time with her so much! I really do. I really do, but I know I shouldn't!

Do you know each time you said thank you to me, you're stabbing my heart once?
Do you know being treat like some stranger by your loved ones felt so pain?

I think of you every seconds.
I waited for your sms everyday.
I waited for your call each day at 11 o clock.
I said good night to you every night before I goes to sleep.
I hug and kiss you every night.

Each time I heard songs that we both shared, my tears will drop, my heart will be sadden.
I will think of you so much. I wanted to reach for you. I wanted to call you.

But, I knew I shouldn't.
I had promised to leave your life alone without me anymore in it.
And I will keep that promise because I love you.

Love Fails

Each I think of her, my tears flow.
My heart felt so pain as if it was cut into two by knife.
Millions of questions that I'm unable to answer running all over my head.

I began to questioned love.
I began to lost hope in love because it has proven to me that only love will never succeed.
Each time I trusted love, it betrayed me.
Each time I let love decide my fate, it failed me.
I will never trust it again, never.

As I was typing this, I can feel that my heart is hurting to much. My tears are flowing down my cheek. She will not care about me anymore from now on.
I'm so heart broken. I'm so in pain. I can't hold it any longer. It is so hard, so hard than what I've imagined.

I am so tired.
So exhausted of this life.
I have no where to recharge my energy anymore.
Only emptiness awaits me.
Only loneliness surrounds me.

So tired.

Today is The Day

The day the we feared finally came.
Today is the day where I've lost my love.
Today is the day where I've lost her completely.

I felt so empty in my heart now.
I felt so uncertain about my life right now.
Everything felt meaningless.

I let her go today without any objection. I did not say anything to make her stay. But that doesn't mean I don't love her anymore. But because I love her even more. I let her go because this is what she wants. I don't want her to suffer anymore because of me.

Just be happy always. This is what I always want her to be. And I know she can do it even without me in her life.
Memories between me and her is all I have now. The most precious treasure in my life right now.
This memory will last in my head forever until the time ends.

Today is the day where we both walked separate ways.
There won't be "we" anymore.

No more.

Relieved

She's at Genting Highlands right now. Watching her expensive concert of Emil Chow.
I wish I could be there with her right now. Sitting by her side watching the concert with her.

She started her journey with another 5 of her colleagues this early morning. I told her to send me a short message when she reach Penang Bridge.
At 9 something, I still did not see or hear any sms came in. Felt something wrong, quickly I send her a sms asking her

"Why no sms one?"

But there's no reply as well. I thought maybe she had silent her phone and she did not hear the messages came in. I continue sleeping until 10 something. I thought by that time she could be reaching halfway to her destination already. She promised to sms me also. But I still did not get any of her sms this morning. I started to feel worried. But keep telling myself that nothing is going to happen. She just fell asleep and did not notice my smses. She will definitely reply me when almost reach her destination.

I waited and send her sms but there's still no reply at all. Time shows already 11 something. She should have already almost near Genting already. I couldn't concentrate at all. Walking all around my house.

It's already 12 but there's no news about her at all. I began to worried so much. I told myself if I still did not get her reply by 2 then I will drive up to Genting to find her.

When things almost get out of control, around 2, she finally called me. I quickly pick up the call. My heart felt relieved.

She told me she did send me all the smsed since this early morning. It was actually my phone network down and could not received her sms since yesterday night.
When I restarted my phone, I received 10 messages at once.

This whole morning was so ..

"speechless"

I felt so much better after her call. I knew she's safe and at Genting right now.

It was a big relieved.

Life at the Edge

I don't see colours in my life anymore.

All I could feel is only gray and grayish.
Everything seems so "alone"
Every path that I takes seems so "lonely"

The world doesn't smile to me anymore but maybe it's because I doesn't smile to the world anymore.
Everything that I did, everything that I achieve, no longer carries a value because there's no one for me to share it with anymore.

My feelings are not important anymore, sadness or happiness, because there will be nobody there to care about it anymore.
From now on, I will just be a person that had lost his heart, lost his love and lost his life.

Everyday will just be another day. There's nothing special, there's nothing to remember anymore. Only carries a memories that can never be mine forever until the end of time.

I have failed once and my heart cracked but I stood up again to put the pieces back.
Now I've failed again, but this time it's different. I can never stand up again because there's no more heart that is left within me.

Future seems so dull and lonely to me. It is so scary to live in that cruel future.

GOD, why I have to walk this path alone? Why do You show me the love of my life and now You want to take it back again?

I love her so much and I want to be love by her.
So much that anyone could ever imagine.

I'm Lost

What should I do?
Is leaving her is the only choice I've left?
Is there no other way?

These two days seems very long for me. These two nights was a nightmare and seems like it's lasting forever.
I could not sleep at all. When I close my eyes, I could see the day she's going to leave me. When I open my eyes, I felt lonely around me.

I missed her so much. I've been holding my phone whole day long. I wanted to call her. But I've promised her that we will take a few days break and think things over.

The feelings of missing her and not receiving her sms at all was so hard. Everything seems wrong when she's not around. I hardly could put up a smile. I'm lost without her.

This is the ring that I've put it in her finger before.
I really wish this ring could remain on her finger forever.
But it seems that it will only remain nothing more than a wish.

It's 11.35pm now, I sent her an sms just now, but there's no reply.
Tonight will be tough.

I Miss You Like Crazy

"Rang Wo Pei Ni Tao Zui Hou, Wo Bu Hui Fang Shou"

I'm listening to this song right now.
It means "Let me accompany you until the end, I won't let go"

Even it's the end, I will not let go my heart for you.
This is my decision I've made for life.
Nothing will ever change this.

I know that sooner or later, we're going to be separated. I can't see you anymore, I can't listen to your voice anymore. I can't hold you anymore, I can't kiss you anymore. It seems like the end. I can't sing for you anymore.

But let me tell you one thing, my love for you will never end. Because there's no end in it. I will continue to love you for eternity.

Maybe this is a punishment from God from the bad things that I did in the past life?
This life I have to stay and see the person that I love so much marry other people and I can only love her from afar.

Soh Poh, please remember that you will always have a soh lou loving you. No matter when or where. He will always be ready to protect you. Always ready to make you happy when you're sad. Always ready to take up the guitar and learn to play songs just to sing for you.

"Miss You Like Crazy"

I used to call you my girl
I used to call you my friend
I used to call you the love
The love that I never had
When I think of you
I don't know what to do
When will I see you again

I miss you like crazy
Even More than words can say
I miss you like crazy
Every minute of every day
Girl I'm so down when your love's not around
I miss you, miss you, miss you
I miss you like crazy
You are all that I want
You are all that I need
Can't you see how I feel
Can't you see that my pain's so real
When I think of you
I don't know what to do
When will I see you again

I Miss you like crazy Soh Poh!

Greatest Regret

Friday night, normally I would be having dinner with her this day. I would drive her around and hold her hands tightly.

But it has changed. Her voice is the only thing that is left. And I'm not sure when I'm going to loose that too. I will not let her suffer. I definitely can't see her in pain. I can't let her not happy. I don't want to be her pressure.

I love her. She is my first priority. Always.
I will do anything as long as she feels comfortable with.
I won't lie, it's going to be very very hard for me. But I'm willing to take all that for her. I'm willing to take up the pressure from her. I'm willing to be alone so that she could concentrate on her relationship.

This is the first time I sacrifice myself so much for a girl.
She's not just some girl. She's my love.
She always asked me if I treat my ex the same as her?

I want to marry you soh poh! I want to spent the rest of my life with you soh poh! I want to share my sadness and happiness with you soh poh!

Well, I did say I want to share my sadness and happiness with my ex before. But I didn't say I want to marry her. I did not say I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
So do you still think that you're the same with her?
I would give my whole life for you.
Just for you alone.

Even if I had to take up the greatest suffer but in return can make you happy, I would say I'm willing and ready to do that for you.

It's been a while I did not kiss you.
I miss that so much. There's so much love that I want to give you.
I want to hug you when you're sad.
I want to be by your side when your face is pain.
I want to lend my shoulder to you when you're tired.
I want to be there to let you scold and hug when you're frustrated of work.

There were many regrets in my life before, but ..

"Will you marry me soh poh?"

This question will be my greatest regret in life because I will never have a chance to ask you that forever and ever.

Punishment Day 2

Things were almost better today.
We met at the same time when we're on the way to breakfast in the office.
She helped me take roti canai.
She joked to me.
She called me a few times, even it's regarding work. I could hear her voice.

But there was one time when she said thank you after talking, my heart felt so squeeze and pain. My eyes were suddenly filled with water.
Imagine the person who you love so much tells you thank you and talked to you as if you were a stranger.

She called me for lunch today. I was happy!
I could see her. I thought I would be eating without her again today.
Everything kind of went smoothly until after lunch.

My feelings were troubled when her best colleague 'teman' her to park car. I know it's nothing but it's just some feelings that everyone would react when seeing love ones with other guy. I mean I'm the one that is suppose to 'teman' her to park car right? If it is me, I would take the car and park it for her so that she won't have to walk under the sun.

Kind of down for a while after that lunch but everything seems to be disappear when she suddenly brought in a box of cake and put in on my table. My heart felt so sweet. But because of these too sweetness that made me lost my control over my feelings, to be exact, jealousy. Not sure why I'm acting like that today.

I overheard over the phone that not only I got the cake but she bought it for her "kai yeh" also. Felt jealous and sms her to tell her that. I guess I made the wrong move. She seems angry after that. I've light up again the fire that was supposedly slowing down.

Tambai me!

"Fine!, Next time I will not buy!"

That's what she replied me. Straight away I know I'm in deep deep shit! (again)
She never reply me after that.

Clock tick and 5 o clock was there. She would usually leave the office around that time.

But today she was late, around 5.30 .. I thought she would be back by that time so I didn't purpose stand beside the cub to see her. I was walking around to take some papers that I've printed. Surprisingly When I was on the way back to my cub, she was there scanning out.

At least I get to see her today. Another least expected.

- Accidentally met her on the way to Morning breakfast
- Accidentally met her on the time where she would already be driving back at usual day after work.

I really miss you soh poh!

Tonight was no luck. I called her 5 times but she did not pick up at all. She was really angry. But I missed her. I want to hear her voice so much. I couldn't sleep.

The only sms that I got tonight was

"Not feel like talking to you today"

My heart was poke and it's going to leave a hole tonight.
I know I shouldn't react like that today.
Maybe one of the reason is I miss you too much that made me go crazy.

But still, I deserved the punishment tonight.

End of Punishment day 2.

Punishment Day 1

Today was tough. I've been struggling to go through the day. Whole day without reply from her. Only a glimpse of her during breakfast and also after lunch when she's back. I could only see her back walking towards the office. But that glimpse supplied me enough energy to go another mile.

There was a few times when I did want to go up stairs and find her. to take a look at her. I know if I do that, she'll be angry more so end up I did not. All I could do was just keep on sending her sms hoping that she could reply me.

Like I said, today was very tough but it became more easier every time when she did something for me. During breakfast, she left me a bread. She took her own plates. Both of that action made me survive the first half of the day.

Today was a punishment, and she was not suppose to sms or call me at all for the next three days. Even if I survived the first half, I still have another 2nd half to go. At this time, I unexpectedly received her email saying that she won't be joining for lunch today. It's weird, at normal days, I would felt unhappy and sad because I couldn't see her during lunch time but today was different, That email appeared when I least expected it. I was happy when I saw her name appeared in my INBOX. That made me survived another lunch time.

But that was only sufficient for lunch time. How about the second half? I was back at the office around 1.10Pm. First thing that I did when I reached the carpark was looked for her car. Noticed that she hasn’t come back yet. So I kept pretending walking outside my cubicle hoping that I could at least see her when she's back from lunch. Even a 1 second glimpse was also enough for me to last the next horrible hours. Finally like what I expected, I saw her coming back but only managed to see her back. Well. that's more than enough for a guy who is still under punishment.

But second half was really tiring and havoc. I'm so tired and pressured with all the work. I wanted so much for her to be at my side that time so that I could lay my head on her. I smsed her telling her that but there was no reply. But I'm very sure that she was also thinking of me and hoping that she could come over right away to hug me even she did not reply my sms.

I miss her.

I couldn't stand it anymore and smsed her asking her if I could call her tonight.

I did not expect any reply as usual but she surprised me again.

she replied

" Forget the punishment already?"

Well, doesn't really sound good but at least she replied.

I thought that I could sleep without hearing her voice but I can't. I decided to call her hoping she could pick up. But she didn't.

I was sad. I knew today was punishment day. I knew I deserved it.

But surprises keep coming in a row.
She smsed me saying good night to me and that she's going to sleep now.
I was satisfied with this sms. At least something for me to go through the night.

Well, it doesn't end there. She called! I was so happy when I see her name appeared on the handphone that I was holding. Quickly I pick up and when I listened to her voice, my hearts calmed.

I felt the way she felt when I did not sms her. I know my fault already. Today was horrible.
I can't imagine I got another 2 days to go.
I hope that I could be forgiven a little earlier.

Punishment Day 1 ends.

Love of My Life

Do you believe that two person can miss each other at the very same time? Connected together at the exact same moment? Knowing what the other half of you think and want without telling it out?

All this while, I thought it only can happen in those tvb dramas. But I believed it now, because it happen to me, not only once but frequently. I've never been so connected with any other people before.

This morning I woke at 9am. I've never been awake this early during weekends. The feelings of missing her was so deep. I took out my phone and sms her to tell her that I miss her so much and wanted to hear her voice. The moment I pressed sent, I received her sms saying..

"Just wake up, the first thing cross my mind is you. I miss you darling.. "

I felt so happy because we somehow connected at the same time again. Maybe that explains why I wake at the unusual time of mine today. But at the same time, my heart felt sad and pain when I learned the fact that I'm going to loose her very soon. That I'm going to loose this special privilege which I'm not going to find it in another person other than her.

Each time I tried to tell myself that, soon, everyday is going to be like saturday and sunday but different is without any calls or sms anymore. Can't hear her voice when I wanted to. Can't tell it to her that I miss her. Can't tell her that I want to hug her so much. Even can't make her angry anymore.

I don't want this to happen.
Why must this happen to me?
She's the girl that I love the most.
I've found the love of my life and why must I let her go?
Why two person who love each other must separate?
Why I can only make all this as good memories?
I don't want it to be only good memories, I want to build my future together with her.
I don't want to look back at this memories alone when I'm old but I want to sit down and grow old together with her sharing our good memories.

Without her, I will only be a person without love.


"Kenangan Terindah

Aku yang lemah tanpamu
Aku yang rentan karena
Cinta yang telah hilang darimu yang mampu menyanjungku
Selama mata terbuka
Sampai jantung tak berdetak
Selama itupun aku mampu untuk mengenangmu
Darimu...Kutemukan hidupku
Bagiku...Kaulah cinta sejati

Bila yang tertulis untukku
Adalah yang terbaik untukmu
Kan kujadikan kau kenangan
Yang terindah dalam hidupku
Namun takkan mudah bagiku
Meninggalkan jejak hidupku
Yang tlah terukir abadi
Sebagai kenangan yang terindah"

You'll always be the love of my life.

Loneliness

Loneliness, a word use to describe an emotional state or a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation. That's the meaning from wikipedia.

I've been experiencing this 'loneliness' today.

Yesterday wasn't so bad because I only could not see her but her sms and phone call was still around. I received her sms first thing in the morning when I waked yesterday. She kept sms and call me yesterday, I was happy but at the same time felt sad. Somehow I know the next day won't be the same anymore.

Today I woke 10am. Usually she'll sms me around 1.30pm. So I forced myself back to bed until then, waiting for her sms to come asking me ..

"What are you doing now?"

But it didn't come. As usual I sms her saying..

"Good Morning"

but there's no reply. That moment onwards I knew today will be hard. I continued doing my things, watching drama, wash car, hoping time will fly by fast.

I do not know why but every time when reached 6 to 7 pm I will feel very lonely. Today I went out and took my car for a spin. Been driving with no direction, just trying to skip the evening mood. But suddenly, I received her sms.

"Later going out eat, sai lou tomorrow back liao.."

Even the message didn't really mean anything, it made me smile.
Maybe somehow deep in my heart I've been thinking that if she's going to eat dinner with her sai lou and family meaning that she won't be with "him". Maybe that's where my smile came from.

Talked on the phone tonight and she been whispering. It's been a while she never used her real voice to talk at night. I miss that voice so much.
Tonight I ask her to speak with her real voice, at least one word is more than enough for me. She did and I can feel it in my heart.

She asked me ..

"Like that also can? .. "

Yes, like that also can. Every word from her meant a lot to me. My world will only spin when she's inside.

Tonight I will sleep well dear.

Good Night. Muaks!